Tropical Travesty

That the new bottle of shampoo in the shower is of the coconut variety that makes you dream of hula skirts and tropical beaches, but to your dismay - and much too late to do anything about it - you find out that the shampoo is really conditioner. And while slathering this substance all over your body you remember from early physics classes something about a coefficient of friction and stiffen as you feel your feet starting to slide across the floor of the shower.

Your reaction is anathema to what you should have done (curl up in a ball and wait for the water to rinse away the dastardly slickness) and stiff body and all you start to career around the shower stall like PopRocks in a glass of Coke. And speaking of glass, that's exactly where you find your unfortunate escape - through the glass door of the shower, sliced to ribbons and bleeding out on the cushy mat that ironically does a fantastic job of soaking up your O Positive and the conditioner that led to your demise.

Can You Hear Me Now - Electric Slide Version

That while you ride your environmentally sound motor scooter around town the old folks and tree huggers in their modern semi-electric vehicles are chatting on their phone while sliding silently down the road. And, while you are minding your own business, these Prius-heads are so inured to the world around them - believing they are in a meadow or something - that they fail to hear you puttering along beside them. In fact, they are so against creating any noise pollution that they fail to even use their directional when they take over your lane, nearly crushing you to a pulp and causing you to worry that they might not even hear your cries for mercy as you become paste against the curb.

**Thankfully, the 130 decibel horn you had installed on your scooter jolted them back awake...BUT only after pressing it for five full continuous seconds.**

Mocking My Turtleneck

That when a friend invites you to their office because they have a gift for you, and then they let it slip that the gift is a turtleneck, that when you arrive and put out your hands you feel a slimy tube of flesh that actually came off a formerly live turtle.

And as you yelp audibly and jump backward, you catch the heel of your shoe on the rug at their office and stumble into the hall, falling backward into the Poland Spring water dispenser causing the bottle to become unstable and subsequently drop onto your head.

Well, yes, you're knocked out. But when you come to the horror isn't over because during your collapse, the rubbery, slimy, icky turtleneck squirted into the air and came to rest in your mouth. And as you awake you feel the calimari-esque texture in your mouth as you scream for help and nothing comes out.

Dressing Room Puncture

That while trying on eight-dollar jeans at the local thriftish store that starts with a K (Mart or Ohl's) you hop a bit and land on an errant pin that was left behind by someone shoplifting dress shirts. While one pin prick might be annoying and painful enough, the first stick makes you jump sky-high and you land with proportionate impact on another pin, then another and another and yet, another.

The resulting anguish and pain is so severe that you decide never to wear pants again and that decision limits your interaction with other humans to a bare (pun intended) minimum AND that in turn drives you mad, makes you get 57 cats and a house without windows (see pants-free description above) where you go slowly and inexorably insane.

Just because one person left a pin on a dressing-room floor.

Pancake Pyro

That when you're preparing delicious pancakes for your late breakfast on a snowy winter's day, the PAM-brand spray used to keep the pancakes from sticking inadvertently reaches under the skillet and easily attracts some deadly flame from the burner. The resulting tower of flame and destruction is enough to sear your arms off at the shoulder socket and suck the eyebrows from your skull. It's also injury to insult that the delicious breakfast you had planned is now destined to be a snack that the Fire Department rescue dog enjoys as he paws over your melted corpse.

Theatrical Permanent Sabbatical

That after you've watched the final showing of the final film in an old movie theater and get up to leave, your shoes get stuck to JuJuBe goop or some other concoction that's on the floor of the ancient building. And as you struggle to get free, the sticky mess causes you to tweak your ankle and you collapse to your knees. Then you realize that your feet, knees and shins are cemented to the ugly ooze and put your hands down to free yourself, but that doesn't work. The sugary death trap only behaves more like quicksand than a happy and tasty sucrose treat, and there you remain for weeks and months as spiders and other insects wrap you in webs and dust. You might stay alive by sucking on the leg of a movie theater seat, but then the wrecking ball comes and your frail visage is shattered and crushed like so many Hollywood dreams.

Scratching Pupil

That while you snuggle with kittens at night (not a euphemism) they try to get comfy by stretching their little claw-laden paws all over the place and inadvertently spear one of your pupils. The subsequent screaming causes the cat to quickly draw away and sprint across the bed to the other room...but not before your entire eyeball pops out of your skull and tears free of the optic nerve. This travesty is made worse by the sudden loss of your depth perception, which in turn causes you to walk squarely into the side of the bedroom door breaking your nose and painfully bumping into the doorknob.

GutenBlog.net

This post is being created over on GutenBlog and it's being ported to a number of my sites. The app has been created to give you one point of contact for your various online presences - saving time and effort when trying to get multiple postings up.

I'm just evaluating the Alpha right now and can't say it works yet because I'm just typing this in the dashboard and haven't hit send yet. I guess we'll all learn together how well it works in a minute when I publish it.

Shall we try?

PRESSING PUBLISH NOW!!!

*OK, not pressing it yet. Wanted to remind people - just in case this doesn't work - that I'm just a tester at this point and any concerns about Guten Blog should be sent to their staff.

**Also, on a totally separate note, if you're looking for a way to get your link out in the world of new media, Twitter, etc. Gimme a shout. As of November 1, 2009, my photo site - wwjce (what would Jeff Cutler eat?) has been accepting sponsorship. Few of my other sites do so, but wwjce is widely read and has achieved critical acclaim.

Posted with GutenBlog.net.

Micey Dicey

That the scratching and scurrying you hear in the walls is from field mice who have decided to share your home during the colder months - and what's worse, they also want to share your food during that time too. But because you've been so good at securing the food in the pantry and the kitchen, the mice only have one option and that's to nibble on your fingers, toes, nose and eyeballs whilst you sleep, causing you significant discomfort and disfigurement until spring...and perhaps longer.

Shingling in my Boots

That when you take a potshot with your pellet gun at a woodpecker, the pellet will ricochet off the house where the pecker is pecking and smash a window, flatten a car tire, poke out the eye of a child riding a big wheel in the street, kill a domesticated pig and finally lodge in your nostril causing you to breathe with a whistle for the rest of your life. And that the woodpecker will get away and turn your house into a pile of firewood.

Porcelain Privacy

That when you step into the bathroom your phone, house or cell or even VOIP/Vonage, rings off the hook. It happens persistently, leading you to believe that the new electronics in the home - your computer, flatscreen TV, air conditioner, electric toothbrush - all have tiny pinhole cameras in them that have effectively turned your life into the Toilet Truman Show. Remember to wash your hands.

Caffeine Extreme

That after you return home from a coffee cupping and coffee-themed tasting menu courtesy of a nationally recognized brand of coffee, you might never sleep again because the combination of rich coffee-infused food and coffee cuppings conspire to make you alert and attentive for the next 47 years.

Namebadge Badness

That shortly after you pick up your ditty bag and name badge at the registration desk at a conference, you put down your bag to adjust your lanyard and feel yourself slipping. In your quest to maintain your balance you reach out to grab the back of a nearby chair - but you catch your fingers in the lanyard that is now around your neck.

While you dexterously move your fingers out of the lanyard without snapping each and every one, you still manage to slice your wrist open on the crazy sharp plastic of the badge holder. Then, you gush blood all over vendors and other attendees who proceed to shun you and your message for the rest of the event. Even as your precious life ebbs away on the luxuriously carpeted floor of the convention center.

"Cord"inated Attack

That after toasting some tasty waffles, you move the toaster aside but neglect to see that the cord to your computer is nestled up against the hot appliance. Then, while you write informative blog posts, stimulating columns and random tweets, you find that just touching the keys seems to make your fingertips tingle. But beyond that, there are a few sparks flying and by attributing this to the typing speed and power of your words - neglecting to realize that said laptop is engulfed in flame and an electrical fire has now taken your hands off at the wrists.

Smudgetastrophy of the Heart

That during a high-school track meet you meet the girl of your dreams on a competing team. Even with your months of training, just talking to her takes your breath away. While chatting together near the scorer's table she impulsively writes her phone number and email on your palm and then runs off to join her team.

You're elated. So much so that you high-five all your sweaty teammates and clap your hands in glee. The track meet ends and you wave to her bus as they drive off. Then you look at your hand in horror. The slapping, clapping and sweat have conspired to smudge out her information and you're immediately turned into a forlorn and broken boy.

COPS Swap

That for some reason - and beyond all comprehension - one night I'll wake up in the television as one of the 'actors' on the FOX show COPS. This unreal switch might seem like magic or a dream, but it quickly turns into a nightmare when I'm shown as one of the fatties who gets tackled, smashed into, punched and tazed by the police. Whatcha gonna do?

Bee Very Careful

That when sipping tea at the local coffee shoppe, you kick at a wasp that has wandered near your table and put your foot through the 9-foot vertical picture window. Then, as you struggle to get out of your chair, you notice that the guillotine-like shard of glass is about slice off your leg. But worse, the wasp had friends who just escaped the nest beside the window and are heck-bent on stinging you to death.

Paper Misplay

That when you stroll quickly into a stall at a fancy hotel to relieve your innards, that the roll of toilet paper on the spindle gets bumped as you reach to paper your posterior. Then this same roll squirts across the floor and far away from your perch. THEN, the hotel experiences a power outage and possibly even a municipal disaster - locking you in the stall, with your pants down, in a deserted hotel. Paperless and powerless.

Toe-tal Pain

That when you pull on a new sock the loose threads inside this mini garment tube will snack on your unkempt toenail and dramatically rip the appendage sideways, effectively shattering the tiny bone and turning you into a carnival freak for eternity (if there are any carnivals that would charge to see the mangled toe man).

Cat Tail Travesty

That while you watch the Tour de France on TV, you remain inside because of the constant rain. And while you watch you decide to increase your fitness by riding your bike trainer indoors. And while you ride your trainer, the cats you have raised from kittens decide to dash into the moving rear wheel.

Then, the shredded cat flesh and bones shoot upward at the speed of light and puncture your spine - rendering you paralyzed and unable to phone for help or even 'boop' 'boop' 'boop' through the commercials.

Neighbors find your decaying body among the cat detritus well after the TDF winner has been crowned.