Scratching Pupil

That while you snuggle with kittens at night (not a euphemism) they try to get comfy by stretching their little claw-laden paws all over the place and inadvertently spear one of your pupils. The subsequent screaming causes the cat to quickly draw away and sprint across the bed to the other room...but not before your entire eyeball pops out of your skull and tears free of the optic nerve. This travesty is made worse by the sudden loss of your depth perception, which in turn causes you to walk squarely into the side of the bedroom door breaking your nose and painfully bumping into the doorknob.

GutenBlog.net

This post is being created over on GutenBlog and it's being ported to a number of my sites. The app has been created to give you one point of contact for your various online presences - saving time and effort when trying to get multiple postings up.

I'm just evaluating the Alpha right now and can't say it works yet because I'm just typing this in the dashboard and haven't hit send yet. I guess we'll all learn together how well it works in a minute when I publish it.

Shall we try?

PRESSING PUBLISH NOW!!!

*OK, not pressing it yet. Wanted to remind people - just in case this doesn't work - that I'm just a tester at this point and any concerns about Guten Blog should be sent to their staff.

**Also, on a totally separate note, if you're looking for a way to get your link out in the world of new media, Twitter, etc. Gimme a shout. As of November 1, 2009, my photo site - wwjce (what would Jeff Cutler eat?) has been accepting sponsorship. Few of my other sites do so, but wwjce is widely read and has achieved critical acclaim.

Posted with GutenBlog.net.

Micey Dicey

That the scratching and scurrying you hear in the walls is from field mice who have decided to share your home during the colder months - and what's worse, they also want to share your food during that time too. But because you've been so good at securing the food in the pantry and the kitchen, the mice only have one option and that's to nibble on your fingers, toes, nose and eyeballs whilst you sleep, causing you significant discomfort and disfigurement until spring...and perhaps longer.

Shingling in my Boots

That when you take a potshot with your pellet gun at a woodpecker, the pellet will ricochet off the house where the pecker is pecking and smash a window, flatten a car tire, poke out the eye of a child riding a big wheel in the street, kill a domesticated pig and finally lodge in your nostril causing you to breathe with a whistle for the rest of your life. And that the woodpecker will get away and turn your house into a pile of firewood.

Porcelain Privacy

That when you step into the bathroom your phone, house or cell or even VOIP/Vonage, rings off the hook. It happens persistently, leading you to believe that the new electronics in the home - your computer, flatscreen TV, air conditioner, electric toothbrush - all have tiny pinhole cameras in them that have effectively turned your life into the Toilet Truman Show. Remember to wash your hands.

Caffeine Extreme

That after you return home from a coffee cupping and coffee-themed tasting menu courtesy of a nationally recognized brand of coffee, you might never sleep again because the combination of rich coffee-infused food and coffee cuppings conspire to make you alert and attentive for the next 47 years.

Namebadge Badness

That shortly after you pick up your ditty bag and name badge at the registration desk at a conference, you put down your bag to adjust your lanyard and feel yourself slipping. In your quest to maintain your balance you reach out to grab the back of a nearby chair - but you catch your fingers in the lanyard that is now around your neck.

While you dexterously move your fingers out of the lanyard without snapping each and every one, you still manage to slice your wrist open on the crazy sharp plastic of the badge holder. Then, you gush blood all over vendors and other attendees who proceed to shun you and your message for the rest of the event. Even as your precious life ebbs away on the luxuriously carpeted floor of the convention center.

"Cord"inated Attack

That after toasting some tasty waffles, you move the toaster aside but neglect to see that the cord to your computer is nestled up against the hot appliance. Then, while you write informative blog posts, stimulating columns and random tweets, you find that just touching the keys seems to make your fingertips tingle. But beyond that, there are a few sparks flying and by attributing this to the typing speed and power of your words - neglecting to realize that said laptop is engulfed in flame and an electrical fire has now taken your hands off at the wrists.

Smudgetastrophy of the Heart

That during a high-school track meet you meet the girl of your dreams on a competing team. Even with your months of training, just talking to her takes your breath away. While chatting together near the scorer's table she impulsively writes her phone number and email on your palm and then runs off to join her team.

You're elated. So much so that you high-five all your sweaty teammates and clap your hands in glee. The track meet ends and you wave to her bus as they drive off. Then you look at your hand in horror. The slapping, clapping and sweat have conspired to smudge out her information and you're immediately turned into a forlorn and broken boy.

COPS Swap

That for some reason - and beyond all comprehension - one night I'll wake up in the television as one of the 'actors' on the FOX show COPS. This unreal switch might seem like magic or a dream, but it quickly turns into a nightmare when I'm shown as one of the fatties who gets tackled, smashed into, punched and tazed by the police. Whatcha gonna do?

Bee Very Careful

That when sipping tea at the local coffee shoppe, you kick at a wasp that has wandered near your table and put your foot through the 9-foot vertical picture window. Then, as you struggle to get out of your chair, you notice that the guillotine-like shard of glass is about slice off your leg. But worse, the wasp had friends who just escaped the nest beside the window and are heck-bent on stinging you to death.

Paper Misplay

That when you stroll quickly into a stall at a fancy hotel to relieve your innards, that the roll of toilet paper on the spindle gets bumped as you reach to paper your posterior. Then this same roll squirts across the floor and far away from your perch. THEN, the hotel experiences a power outage and possibly even a municipal disaster - locking you in the stall, with your pants down, in a deserted hotel. Paperless and powerless.

Toe-tal Pain

That when you pull on a new sock the loose threads inside this mini garment tube will snack on your unkempt toenail and dramatically rip the appendage sideways, effectively shattering the tiny bone and turning you into a carnival freak for eternity (if there are any carnivals that would charge to see the mangled toe man).

Cat Tail Travesty

That while you watch the Tour de France on TV, you remain inside because of the constant rain. And while you watch you decide to increase your fitness by riding your bike trainer indoors. And while you ride your trainer, the cats you have raised from kittens decide to dash into the moving rear wheel.

Then, the shredded cat flesh and bones shoot upward at the speed of light and puncture your spine - rendering you paralyzed and unable to phone for help or even 'boop' 'boop' 'boop' through the commercials.

Neighbors find your decaying body among the cat detritus well after the TDF winner has been crowned.

Traffic Light Demolition

That when you're driving down the road on a particularly windy day, the traffic light at an intersection snaps loose from the supporting cables and rockets Earthward just as you are rolling serenely beneath it.

The resulting carnage - because you're probably on a scooter or in a gas-efficient tiny SmartCar - is an unrecognizable mess of metal and blood. All intermingled with the fancy yellow paint from the side of the traffic light.

Tweeting Cliffhanger

That when you're writing and tweeting on the iPhone application for Tweetworks, you find a group that's all about people who walk and tweet at the same time. Unfortunately, this discovery coincides with your visit to the Grand Canyon and you become so engrossed in social media tools and items created by Mike Langford that you stroll unawares through the warning signs and over the cabling that guards the edge and plummet to the Colorado River below.

Cat-Eye Cause for Alarm

That whilst you sleep, in a home newly populated by kittens (2), the scratching and rambunctious behavior of these kittens will draw them to your bedroom where they will dance around and on your body moving upward toward your mouth and face. Then, without provocation - because cats are evil - they will each pluck an eyeball from your head and run from the room meowing.

Wing Ding

That when the pilot on the plane says they're just waiting for the mechanical crew to look at a slight issue with the wing, you might find yourself at 30,000 feet watching that same wing float gently away from the body of the plane causing you to plummet to a not-so-soft collision with the earth.

Threshold Black Hole

That while walking back to your hotel room you fumble your key and it bounces once on the rug and then darts under the door to another room in the hall.

Further, that when you dive for the bouncing card you bump your head and can't remember which door your key went under, what room you're supposed to be in, or what you're even doing in Arkansas wearing a swimsuit in the middle of March.