Mocking My Turtleneck

That when a friend invites you to their office because they have a gift for you, and then they let it slip that the gift is a turtleneck, that when you arrive and put out your hands you feel a slimy tube of flesh that actually came off a formerly live turtle.

And as you yelp audibly and jump backward, you catch the heel of your shoe on the rug at their office and stumble into the hall, falling backward into the Poland Spring water dispenser causing the bottle to become unstable and subsequently drop onto your head.

Well, yes, you're knocked out. But when you come to the horror isn't over because during your collapse, the rubbery, slimy, icky turtleneck squirted into the air and came to rest in your mouth. And as you awake you feel the calimari-esque texture in your mouth as you scream for help and nothing comes out.

Dressing Room Puncture

That while trying on eight-dollar jeans at the local thriftish store that starts with a K (Mart or Ohl's) you hop a bit and land on an errant pin that was left behind by someone shoplifting dress shirts. While one pin prick might be annoying and painful enough, the first stick makes you jump sky-high and you land with proportionate impact on another pin, then another and another and yet, another.

The resulting anguish and pain is so severe that you decide never to wear pants again and that decision limits your interaction with other humans to a bare (pun intended) minimum AND that in turn drives you mad, makes you get 57 cats and a house without windows (see pants-free description above) where you go slowly and inexorably insane.

Just because one person left a pin on a dressing-room floor.

Pancake Pyro

That when you're preparing delicious pancakes for your late breakfast on a snowy winter's day, the PAM-brand spray used to keep the pancakes from sticking inadvertently reaches under the skillet and easily attracts some deadly flame from the burner. The resulting tower of flame and destruction is enough to sear your arms off at the shoulder socket and suck the eyebrows from your skull. It's also injury to insult that the delicious breakfast you had planned is now destined to be a snack that the Fire Department rescue dog enjoys as he paws over your melted corpse.

Theatrical Permanent Sabbatical

That after you've watched the final showing of the final film in an old movie theater and get up to leave, your shoes get stuck to JuJuBe goop or some other concoction that's on the floor of the ancient building. And as you struggle to get free, the sticky mess causes you to tweak your ankle and you collapse to your knees. Then you realize that your feet, knees and shins are cemented to the ugly ooze and put your hands down to free yourself, but that doesn't work. The sugary death trap only behaves more like quicksand than a happy and tasty sucrose treat, and there you remain for weeks and months as spiders and other insects wrap you in webs and dust. You might stay alive by sucking on the leg of a movie theater seat, but then the wrecking ball comes and your frail visage is shattered and crushed like so many Hollywood dreams.

Scratching Pupil

That while you snuggle with kittens at night (not a euphemism) they try to get comfy by stretching their little claw-laden paws all over the place and inadvertently spear one of your pupils. The subsequent screaming causes the cat to quickly draw away and sprint across the bed to the other room...but not before your entire eyeball pops out of your skull and tears free of the optic nerve. This travesty is made worse by the sudden loss of your depth perception, which in turn causes you to walk squarely into the side of the bedroom door breaking your nose and painfully bumping into the doorknob.

GutenBlog.net

This post is being created over on GutenBlog and it's being ported to a number of my sites. The app has been created to give you one point of contact for your various online presences - saving time and effort when trying to get multiple postings up.

I'm just evaluating the Alpha right now and can't say it works yet because I'm just typing this in the dashboard and haven't hit send yet. I guess we'll all learn together how well it works in a minute when I publish it.

Shall we try?

PRESSING PUBLISH NOW!!!

*OK, not pressing it yet. Wanted to remind people - just in case this doesn't work - that I'm just a tester at this point and any concerns about Guten Blog should be sent to their staff.

**Also, on a totally separate note, if you're looking for a way to get your link out in the world of new media, Twitter, etc. Gimme a shout. As of November 1, 2009, my photo site - wwjce (what would Jeff Cutler eat?) has been accepting sponsorship. Few of my other sites do so, but wwjce is widely read and has achieved critical acclaim.

Posted with GutenBlog.net.

Micey Dicey

That the scratching and scurrying you hear in the walls is from field mice who have decided to share your home during the colder months - and what's worse, they also want to share your food during that time too. But because you've been so good at securing the food in the pantry and the kitchen, the mice only have one option and that's to nibble on your fingers, toes, nose and eyeballs whilst you sleep, causing you significant discomfort and disfigurement until spring...and perhaps longer.