Monday, August 06, 2012

Roof Remedy

That when you hire a contractor to remove some tree branches that overhang your roof, said contractor falls to his death in the process and his estate sues you for damages. Irony prevails because the entity who ends up paying the claim is the insurance company that requested the branches be removed in the first place. To add insult to their financial injury, the insurance company demanded the branches be removed or they would cancel the same homeowner's policy which in the end was used to pay the dead claimant's estate.


Thursday, February 16, 2012

Pan Pain

That when you reach for a pot or a pan to cook some spaghetti - on just a random, nondescript evening - the hook on the pot rack catches your sleeve just enough that you lose your balance on the stepladder and tip softly into the island, suffering a little bump to your ribcage.

Believing all is right with the world and you escaped eternal pain, you shake at the pan rack to get your sleeve free, but that only serves to anger the cooking gods who suddenly release all the bolts holding the rack and 471lbs of pots and pans from the ceiling onto your visage.

As the Calphalon catastrophe takes place, you wonder about the craftsmanship of an $8 shirt you got at Kohls and how the button must have been attached with fishing wire. Before you lose consciousness and are crushed to death, you lament dressing for dinner in the first place and make an easily attainable vow never to do so again - easy because you've been removed from the menu of life.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Testing Your Patients

That when in the hospital for some tests, the nurses who tend to you - while very attractive - all seem to have a pact to keep their hands cold so that every time they take your temperature or blood pressure, the chill is so bad that it elevates your heart rate. This in turn makes the doctors think you need to be secreted away to a plastic bubble on a hidden ward somewhere in the hospital where the food is worse than regular hospital food (if that’s possible) and the temperatures are taken via the other end of your body.

Based on the high heart rate, you suddenly find yourself whisked away to a dungeon somewhere in Mississippi where the rats and bugs don't have a problem with your beating heart. Or your screaming tongue. Or any other fleshy part of you they decide to eat. And the last thing you remember is the feeling of teeth clinking against your teeth while they got a grip on your head and ripped it from your body.

Sunday, October 09, 2011

Laptop Strap Sucker

That when you are traveling on business and trying to keep your bags to a minimum, you stuff everything into a tiny laptop bag...including toiletries, underwear and so forth. The trouble emerges when you forget to secure the laptop straps and because the bag is so heavy, it hangs low in one arm whilst you mount escalators and other in-building conveyances.

Then, when you're about to emerge from Amtrak or some escalator to heaven outside the Atlanta airport, the straps get sucked into the teeth of the stairs and pull your weary soul with them. Struggling to shake your arms loose, you fail and are suddenly just a pile of shredded human plasma thumping against the top step at the airport exit.

Thursday, August 18, 2011


That when you finally relent to go see a movie with your betrothed, you visit a movie theater that has been frequented by transients and college students from Allston, MA. Therefore, the seats at the theater - except for the ones in the neck-craning front row - are all infested with bed bugs. While you might enjoy the film, these little buggers will enjoy you and will infest your body, clothes and home until you have to move to the moon to be rid of them.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Zombie Encounter - The Pool Version

That when you are watching the pool for some friends away on pleasure, you walk into the pump house to adjust the water settings and - like in the campfire stories we all dread - there's a dead body propped up in the corner of the wooden shed. Scrambling to get away, you allow your feet to become tangled in hose and you fall backward on the concrete. But no, you don't bang your head or even injure yourself and you smile wryly as you hop up and start to sprint away.

Then it happens, you miss a step and plunk your foot squarely into the filter hole which by this time is filled with eyeballs and other body parts because - as you notice - the pool is full of bodies and the one body you thought you were sure of, is now ambling out of the shed with a machete in its hand. As your end comes quickly and painfully - you are sure of two things: zombies are real; you aren't really a fan of swimming pool maintenance.

Sunday, August 07, 2011

Snarky Spark

That while you make fun of others who are not fortunate enough - or forward-thinking enough - to get their own iPhone charger, you simultaneously step in a puddle, twist your ankle and stumble forward just enough to upset your entire balance. In one hand you have the aforementioned charger and in the other is your pristine iPhone (thanks to Otterbox and their great cases).

But as you stumble you plunk the charger down in the puddle and somehow twist and shout, jutting your tongue out enough so that it sticks in the dock connector on the iPhone. You then get a shock going up your left arm from the charger and down into your esophagus from the phone.

The resulting shock is enough to damage both your pride and your body. As you lie in the puddle getting a series of mini shocks from both devices, you think that you might stop making fun of the less gadget-fortunate in the world. And you wonder if the tongue shock might be just enough to cure your slight lisp.