Testing Your Patients

That when in the hospital for some tests, the nurses who tend to you - while very attractive - all seem to have a pact to keep their hands cold so that every time they take your temperature or blood pressure, the chill is so bad that it elevates your heart rate. This in turn makes the doctors think you need to be secreted away to a plastic bubble on a hidden ward somewhere in the hospital where the food is worse than regular hospital food (if that’s possible) and the temperatures are taken via the other end of your body.

Based on the high heart rate, you suddenly find yourself whisked away to a dungeon somewhere in Mississippi where the rats and bugs don't have a problem with your beating heart. Or your screaming tongue. Or any other fleshy part of you they decide to eat. And the last thing you remember is the feeling of teeth clinking against your teeth while they got a grip on your head and ripped it from your body.

Bedbuggy

That when you finally relent to go see a movie with your betrothed, you visit a movie theater that has been frequented by transients and college students from Allston, MA. Therefore, the seats at the theater - except for the ones in the neck-craning front row - are all infested with bed bugs. While you might enjoy the film, these little buggers will enjoy you and will infest your body, clothes and home until you have to move to the moon to be rid of them.

Birden of Guilt

That while watching the myriad birds dine on the feeder outside - filled by your wife or partner and not you, you lazy so and so - you stroke the cat on your lap (not a euphemism) and wonder at the birds' grace and skill. You neglect to watch the lap cat who has now started to get excited about the flying meals on the other side of the window and has poised itself to pounce.

Then, without warning (that you paid attention to) the claws come out and rip into your spleen and liver while the feline soars, ironically birdlike, across the room toward the window. You feel little pain as you bleed out on your new couch, but you do grin a little in the knowledge that the stupid cat sliced itself to ribbons crashing through the window. And you wonder if you and the cat will soon be reunited in some ethereal place on a comfortable couch with a laptop and a window with a birdfeeder on the other side.

Fox Fear

That even after speaking with the town wildlife management office about the minimal likelihood that a hungry mother fox will eat your cats, you collect one of your cats from under a bush in the neighbor's yard and while walking to the back deck you feel a sharp pain in your kidney area and turn to find that same fox latched onto your lower back with its sharp fangs. Subsequently, the cat freaks out and scratches half your face off and jumps to the porch while the fox rips a good-size portion of your flesh from your torso and scampers away. Leaving you to bleed and writhe on the lawn, cursing the local government and the entire populace of rabid foxes.

Micey Dicey

That the scratching and scurrying you hear in the walls is from field mice who have decided to share your home during the colder months - and what's worse, they also want to share your food during that time too. But because you've been so good at securing the food in the pantry and the kitchen, the mice only have one option and that's to nibble on your fingers, toes, nose and eyeballs whilst you sleep, causing you significant discomfort and disfigurement until spring...and perhaps longer.

Namebadge Badness

That shortly after you pick up your ditty bag and name badge at the registration desk at a conference, you put down your bag to adjust your lanyard and feel yourself slipping. In your quest to maintain your balance you reach out to grab the back of a nearby chair - but you catch your fingers in the lanyard that is now around your neck.

While you dexterously move your fingers out of the lanyard without snapping each and every one, you still manage to slice your wrist open on the crazy sharp plastic of the badge holder. Then, you gush blood all over vendors and other attendees who proceed to shun you and your message for the rest of the event. Even as your precious life ebbs away on the luxuriously carpeted floor of the convention center.

Traffic Light Demolition

That when you're driving down the road on a particularly windy day, the traffic light at an intersection snaps loose from the supporting cables and rockets Earthward just as you are rolling serenely beneath it.

The resulting carnage - because you're probably on a scooter or in a gas-efficient tiny SmartCar - is an unrecognizable mess of metal and blood. All intermingled with the fancy yellow paint from the side of the traffic light.

Cord Crippler

That when bringing an old computer monitor to the dump or recycling spot, the cord will protest and wrap itself around your ankles tripping you and tossing you headlong down the granite steps outside your home. In an effort to break your fall you'll let go of the monitor and - similar to the motorcycle daredevil who abandons his cycle only to crash into it seconds later - you'll slice your arms to ribbons when you thrust your arms into the screen. The whole debacle will continue until you and the monitor, entangled in death, roll slowly to the curb where the trash guy will toss you both into the crusher.