Thursday, November 01, 2007

Deadly Milk Dud

That while gobbling the remains of your Halloween candy, you'll toss a Milk Dud into your gullet too fast and block your airway. Then, when you collapse and die, you'll pull the bedpan in which you store the candy down on top of you causing a big gash in your head.

THEN, when somebody finds you they'll open an investigation into your murder because they don't understand how the gash and the crash and the death came about.

Ultimately, your estate will remain unsettled for centuries as the authorities investigate the crime.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

PastWords

With Gather and Facebook and Twitter and Helium and multiple blogs and LinkedIn and other social networking places everywhere, what happens if you bump your head getting out of the shower or into bed or into the car or while at a store and then suddenly can't remember your passwords? Do you disappear entirely or worse yet, do you have to go back to using pen and paper?

Coke Bottle Glasses

When you're doing your food shopping, remain acutely aware that at any moment a cap from a bottle of soda could rocket off of the bottle and knock out your eye.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Spider eyes

If you're not complete careful with how you adjust your mosquito netting at night, you might find dozens of spiders nesting in your eyes and eyelashes.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Don't be chicken

Each time you crack open an egg for breakfast, keep an eye open and a tiny net ready in case a whole, live baby chick emerges instead of the tasty yolk and white.

'lectric Lagoon

If you have electric locks, windows and other accessories in your car, take extra precautions when traveling near water. As scientists will point out, water can cause a short in electrical systems. Be even more vigilant if you're near a body of water like a pond or lake. For you could veer into that larger body of water when adjusting the radio or looking at yourself in the rearview mirror and then sink like a stone to the bottom when you can't open the doors or windows in a timely manner.

Louie Loogie part deux

The cleaning staff at most corporate businesses clearly resent the people who work there during the day. So, if you're prone to leaving snacks or drinks on your desk, be careful. On too many occasions to count, people have spoken of finding a snot rocket or loogie floating in their soda bottle when they report to work. Now you know to lock up your snacks unless you like to chew on a loogie.

Ink a dink a DON'T

Pens are exploding all over the world every moment. Therefore, you should never put a pen in the pocket of your pants or shirt - or any garment - unless that piece of clothing is water and ink proof. The real thing to worry about is if you get an itch inside your nose after you've got a hand covered with ink. Then you could be putting permanent ink right on your face. And that could close up pores that might cause pimples that could then get infected and turn into that flesh eating staph infection. Ultimately, you could lose your head over an exploding pen. Be careful.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Speed Demons

If you make a mistake when purchasing new tires, you might screw up your driving record. Not directly. But if the tires you buy are larger than your original equipment then your speedometer will read lower than your actual speed. That means you'll often be driving faster than you think you're driving and get more tickets and subsequently lose your license and become destitute because you won't be able to get to work.

Spare a Square

In public restrooms, if you're not careful, stealthy bandits can snatch your wallet from your pants pocket as you sit on the throne. Women also have to be aware that a purse snatcher can snag their purse right from the floor next to their feet.

Wile E-mergency

Wile E. Coyote popularized the inertia-based catastrosphe, but it's not all fun and games. If you're driving along with anything heavy in your trunk or backseat and have to jam on the brakes to avoid a crash, the items in the back will scream forward through the flimsy upholstery and pulverize your body from behind.

Sweet Death

The common, appropriately named candy jawbreaker could easily break your jaw.

Fan-tragic

As it gets warmer, people are inclined to use their ceiling fans more regularly. Unfortunately, if you watch the way a fan wobbles slightly at full speed, you can realize that it's not a stable device. And, if a common housefly bumped one of the blades ever so slightly, your decorative fan would quickly spin toward the floor cutting anything in its path to ribbons.

Boomerang Food

You're better off eating your poorly prepared dish at a restaurant than sending your bad food away and subsequently getting a meal that is warmed up and has a fresh loogie in it.

Wheel Dangerous

The front fork on many bikes can be made of a material like magnesium or aluminum that fails instantly after a 'lifetime' of use. This means that you could pull up on the handlebars to clear an obstacle and then find yourself riding without a front wheel and destined for a hard, probably fatal landing.

Just Foul

Spectating at a baseball game requires vigilance and constant awareness. If you let your guard down for an instant, you could find a rawhide sphere embedded in your skull. The worst part is that a baseball knows no courteous way to bound and will careen off railings and seats just to embarrass you in front of 37,000 people before it takes your life.

Airbag Alarmist

While reaching across the front seat to place your briefcase or other object on the passenger seat, be aware that your cell phone, metal belt buckle, eye glasses or pacemaker could send a signal to the airbag and cause it to inflate. This would cause horrific damage to your ribs and probably kill you.

It's also a danger to have a passenger put their feet on the dash, as the airbag might go off for no reason and instantly snap them in two at the waist and propel them into the back seat.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Red Eye Reduction

That when trying to color your hair blond, a bit of the bleaching agent will get in your eye and immediately destroy your vision—causing at once two problems...that you won't be able to balance in the shower and will likely fall through the glass door and cut yourself to ribbons; AND that you won't be able see if your new outstanding color choice looks good because only half your head will be visible.

A Snaking Suspicion

That when you find yourself foraging for your golf ball in the thick underbrush, a snake will mistake your ankle for a tasty rodent and attach its fangs to your leg just above the Achilles so you topple sideways into poison ivy, poison oak and a deceptive puddle of quicksand.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Meaty Err

That while reclined in a plastic patio chair watching the Perseid Meteor showers at 1AM, a coyote will wander up the back stairs to your deck and bite you in the head.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Clipped In-cident

That while riding along on your bike behind a parade, the parade participants will stop suddenly (as parades are wont to do) and you will slam on your bike's brakes successfully bringing your cycle to complete stop — but in that millisecond that you remain upright, you will realize that your feet are still clipped into the pedals and while your life flashes before your eyes you will tilt sideways and then, at increasing speed, crash sideways into the earth.

Monday, July 02, 2007

Air Critter-ditioner

That the air conditioner that you left in the basement or on the porch all winter is now home to funnel-web spiders and brown recluse spiders and all manner of killing insects and that the device will spray these critters all over you while you rest in your cool bedroom unaware of the danger.

Friday, June 29, 2007

Code for Technorati

Technorati Profile

Toilet Treachery

That your legs will fall asleep so badly on the toilet that you'll try to stand up and fail miserably, tumbling either headlong into the granite sink and dying from a head wound or flipping majestically into the tub and drowning from the constantly dripping faucet.

Bad Carma

That while fixing your car and leaning over the engine, that your tie or other loose clothing will get caught in the engine and pull you to a horribly mangle-ful death.

Bee-n There, Feared That

That the bees buzzing peacefully around your yard during a cook-out will land in your beer, get angry, then sting inside your mouth when you take a swig.