Roof Remedy

That when you hire a contractor to remove some tree branches that overhang your roof, said contractor falls to his death in the process and his estate sues you for damages. Irony prevails because the entity who ends up paying the claim is the insurance company that requested the branches be removed in the first place. To add insult to their financial injury, the insurance company demanded the branches be removed or they would cancel the same homeowner's policy which in the end was used to pay the dead claimant's estate.

Karma.

Bedbuggy

That when you finally relent to go see a movie with your betrothed, you visit a movie theater that has been frequented by transients and college students from Allston, MA. Therefore, the seats at the theater - except for the ones in the neck-craning front row - are all infested with bed bugs. While you might enjoy the film, these little buggers will enjoy you and will infest your body, clothes and home until you have to move to the moon to be rid of them.

Mole Sauce

That when your cat comes home from a tough day at the office - errr field - she will bring with her a plump, yet dead mole. You won't notice this mole in the cat's mouth as she proudly trots into the house and deposits the dead creature in the middle of the floor.

Your efforts to save energy have resulted in keeping the house quite dark, so you don't see the mole at all during the day and it's only when you get up in the middle of the night to pee that your path takes you squarely over the mole. You barely brush it on the path to the bathroom, so nothing happens. But then...as you exit the bathroom and wend your way back to bed you stomp directly on the squishy rodent. You yelp loudly, lose your balance and tumble headlong into a poorly constructed IKEA bookcase (that's another worry), which then topples over and pins you - with your head next to the mole body - under scads of social media books and nametags from various conferences and Tweetups.

Finally, the cat hears you screaming and comes over to you and bites your face because she was trying to sleep.

Escalating One's Fears

That the escalator on which you’re riding has a too-big gap between the plates forming its stairs. And the shoelaces on the shoes you chose to impress your audience (at the latest Inbound Marketing Summit session on how social media can actually cure sick kittens and make food appear in homeless shelters all over the globe) are destined to be sucked into the escalator causing not only a horrible grated human mess, but underscoring the fact that not even Zappos can deliver happiness if a contraption invented in 1891 hasn’t been refined enough to keep people from dying atop it.

Just Buggin'

That when the bug in the shower gets washed away with your shampoo and other suds, it emits a scream that only other bugs can hear as it enters the drain and then a sewer’s worth of bugs from all the pipes in all the homes and drains all over town start crawling back up toward your shower.

And, as you rinse the vestiges of soap from your body and squeeze the water from your golden locks, an entire battalion of creepy, crawly, icky, slimy and disgusting bugs emerge from the drain and immediately block your exit from the shower. You know in an instant that your moments are numbered as the millions of tiny feet grip your clean, glistening skin and crawl up your body to enter your soon-to-be corpse through your screaming mouth.

Micey Dicey

That the scratching and scurrying you hear in the walls is from field mice who have decided to share your home during the colder months - and what's worse, they also want to share your food during that time too. But because you've been so good at securing the food in the pantry and the kitchen, the mice only have one option and that's to nibble on your fingers, toes, nose and eyeballs whilst you sleep, causing you significant discomfort and disfigurement until spring...and perhaps longer.

Porcelain Privacy

That when you step into the bathroom your phone, house or cell or even VOIP/Vonage, rings off the hook. It happens persistently, leading you to believe that the new electronics in the home - your computer, flatscreen TV, air conditioner, electric toothbrush - all have tiny pinhole cameras in them that have effectively turned your life into the Toilet Truman Show. Remember to wash your hands.

Caffeine Extreme

That after you return home from a coffee cupping and coffee-themed tasting menu courtesy of a nationally recognized brand of coffee, you might never sleep again because the combination of rich coffee-infused food and coffee cuppings conspire to make you alert and attentive for the next 47 years.

Cat-Eye Cause for Alarm

That whilst you sleep, in a home newly populated by kittens (2), the scratching and rambunctious behavior of these kittens will draw them to your bedroom where they will dance around and on your body moving upward toward your mouth and face. Then, without provocation - because cats are evil - they will each pluck an eyeball from your head and run from the room meowing.

Cord Crippler

That when bringing an old computer monitor to the dump or recycling spot, the cord will protest and wrap itself around your ankles tripping you and tossing you headlong down the granite steps outside your home. In an effort to break your fall you'll let go of the monitor and - similar to the motorcycle daredevil who abandons his cycle only to crash into it seconds later - you'll slice your arms to ribbons when you thrust your arms into the screen. The whole debacle will continue until you and the monitor, entangled in death, roll slowly to the curb where the trash guy will toss you both into the crusher.

Mighty Meteor

That when you least expect it, you'll have a mammoth or dinosaur moment and be obliterated by an asteroid or meteor. To counteract this I suggest building a bunker in the back yard with tunnels from your home or apartment.

Fan-tragic

As it gets warmer, people are inclined to use their ceiling fans more regularly. Unfortunately, if you watch the way a fan wobbles slightly at full speed, you can realize that it's not a stable device. And, if a common housefly bumped one of the blades ever so slightly, your decorative fan would quickly spin toward the floor cutting anything in its path to ribbons.

Air Critter-ditioner

That the air conditioner that you left in the basement or on the porch all winter is now home to funnel-web spiders and brown recluse spiders and all manner of killing insects and that the device will spray these critters all over you while you rest in your cool bedroom unaware of the danger.