Things to Worry About

Testing Your Patients

2011-11-17T15:07:00.000-05:00

That when in the hospital for some tests, the nurses who tend to you - while very attractive - all seem to have a pact to keep their hands cold so that every time they take your temperature or blood pressure, the chill is so bad that it elevates your heart rate. This in turn makes the doctors think you need to be secreted away to a plastic bubble on a hidden ward somewhere in the hospital where the food is worse than regular hospital food (if that’s possible) and the temperatures are taken via the other end of your body.

Based on the high heart rate, you suddenly find yourself whisked away to a dungeon somewhere in Mississippi where the rats and bugs don't have a problem with your beating heart. Or your screaming tongue. Or any other fleshy part of you they decide to eat. And the last thing you remember is the feeling of teeth clinking against your teeth while they got a grip on your head and ripped it from your body.

Laptop Strap Sucker

2011-10-09T20:04:00.000-04:00

That when you are traveling on business and trying to keep your bags to a minimum, you stuff everything into a tiny laptop bag...including toiletries, underwear and so forth. The trouble emerges when you forget to secure the laptop straps and because the bag is so heavy, it hangs low in one arm whilst you mount escalators and other in-building conveyances.

Then, when you're about to emerge from Amtrak or some escalator to heaven outside the Atlanta airport, the straps get sucked into the teeth of the stairs and pull your weary soul with them. Struggling to shake your arms loose, you fail and are suddenly just a pile of shredded human plasma thumping against the top step at the airport exit.

Bedbuggy

2011-08-18T11:27:00.000-04:00

That when you finally relent to go see a movie with your betrothed, you visit a movie theater that has been frequented by transients and college students from Allston, MA. Therefore, the seats at the theater - except for the ones in the neck-craning front row - are all infested with bed bugs. While you might enjoy the film, these little buggers will enjoy you and will infest your body, clothes and home until you have to move to the moon to be rid of them.

Zombie Encounter - The Pool Version

2011-08-16T07:38:00.000-04:00

That when you are watching the pool for some friends away on pleasure, you walk into the pump house to adjust the water settings and - like in the campfire stories we all dread - there's a dead body propped up in the corner of the wooden shed. Scrambling to get away, you allow your feet to become tangled in hose and you fall backward on the concrete. But no, you don't bang your head or even injure yourself and you smile wryly as you hop up and start to sprint away.

Then it happens, you miss a step and plunk your foot squarely into the filter hole which by this time is filled with eyeballs and other body parts because - as you notice - the pool is full of bodies and the one body you thought you were sure of, is now ambling out of the shed with a machete in its hand. As your end comes quickly and painfully - you are sure of two things: zombies are real; you aren't really a fan of swimming pool maintenance.

Snarky Spark

2011-08-07T15:33:00.000-04:00

That while you make fun of others who are not fortunate enough - or forward-thinking enough - to get their own iPhone charger, you simultaneously step in a puddle, twist your ankle and stumble forward just enough to upset your entire balance. In one hand you have the aforementioned charger and in the other is your pristine iPhone (thanks to Otterbox and their great cases).

But as you stumble you plunk the charger down in the puddle and somehow twist and shout, jutting your tongue out enough so that it sticks in the dock connector on the iPhone. You then get a shock going up your left arm from the charger and down into your esophagus from the phone.

The resulting shock is enough to damage both your pride and your body. As you lie in the puddle getting a series of mini shocks from both devices, you think that you might stop making fun of the less gadget-fortunate in the world. And you wonder if the tongue shock might be just enough to cure your slight lisp.

Spitting Spider

2011-07-09T09:32:00.000-04:00

That when you are napping on the couch on a lazy Saturday during the Tour de France, you spy a movement out of the corner of your eye. But you have left your eyeglasses on the table so you move physically near the movement - and it looks like a bug of some sort. To see the creature more clearly, you open your eyes wide and move in even closer - now a mere seven inches away.

Then suddenly, and horrifically, the bug - a slithering, spitting spider - shoots venom into your eyes, nose and mouth while you fall off the couch to your elbows. Since you spend so much time on the couch you have some girth. The weight on your elbows breaks them and you gasp from the pain, sucking the venom deep into your torso.

The poison courses through your veins, even while the cyclists pedal on oblivious to your trauma. And the last thing you see is a view of the beautiful French Pyrenees on Versus TV.

Mole Sauce

2011-07-02T08:50:00.000-04:00

That when your cat comes home from a tough day at the office - errr field - she will bring with her a plump, yet dead mole. You won't notice this mole in the cat's mouth as she proudly trots into the house and deposits the dead creature in the middle of the floor.

Your efforts to save energy have resulted in keeping the house quite dark, so you don't see the mole at all during the day and it's only when you get up in the middle of the night to pee that your path takes you squarely over the mole. You barely brush it on the path to the bathroom, so nothing happens. But then...as you exit the bathroom and wend your way back to bed you stomp directly on the squishy rodent. You yelp loudly, lose your balance and tumble headlong into a poorly constructed IKEA bookcase (that's another worry), which then topples over and pins you - with your head next to the mole body - under scads of social media books and nametags from various conferences and Tweetups.

Finally, the cat hears you screaming and comes over to you and bites your face because she was trying to sleep.

Lawn Lacerations and Limb Loss

2011-06-05T11:31:00.001-04:00

While you ride your scooter or bicycle on the highways and byways of this great land, you'll notice good folks mowing their lawns and keeping their yards manicured and pristine. With these little two-stroke engines, people chop grass and sometimes fling detritus in the air. It is this detritus with which we are concerned.

You see, as you pedal along (or buzz by), rocks are fired at you with tremendous speed because the mower has neglected to realize that parallel mowing can impact passersby. You - a passerby - are subsequently struck by a sharp rock that slices cleanly through your elbow joint and arm, leaving you without any control over the handlbar of your vehicle.

Then, as you veer toward the municipal bus - speeding as usual toward you while the driver text messages her order for a lunch cake - you understand the fear early pilots had when walking around prop planes. And, just before the impact that takes your life, you think about your own lawn and how brown and dead it will get without you around to tend to it. To the very last, worried too much about what others might think of your outward appearance and too little about your inner beauty.

Escalating One's Fears

2011-05-29T08:12:00.000-04:00

That the escalator on which you’re riding has a too-big gap between the plates forming its stairs. And the shoelaces on the shoes you chose to impress your audience (at the latest Inbound Marketing Summit session on how social media can actually cure sick kittens and make food appear in homeless shelters all over the globe) are destined to be sucked into the escalator causing not only a horrible grated human mess, but underscoring the fact that not even Zappos can deliver happiness if a contraption invented in 1891 hasn’t been refined enough to keep people from dying atop it.

It's a Crock...Pot

2011-05-03T10:01:00.004-04:00

Whilst napping peacefully on the couch, you hear a slight clank. A sound like metal on glass. Similar to the cats’ tag banging against the food dish - but different and more sinister. The sound continues at regular intervals, just frequently enough to bother you, yet not so often that you are compelled to get up and investigate.

After 11 tortuous minutes of this noise, your brain starts to fill in the unknown. You imagine a rat is hidden in amongst the clean dishes and will bite off your hand when you open the cabinet. Then you think it’s probably a snake that has come from the sewers of New York City - because that’s what they do. And finally, you think it’s a person who was buried in the walls of your house ten or more years ago. This person has finally snapped out of their suspended animation and is knocking on the wall with their hook hand in a quest to get out and find the evil people who imprisoned them.

Alas, the movie producers and dark-novel writers like Steven King have triumphed again as you get up and find out the sound is just something bubbling quietly - mostly - in the crock pot on the counter.

Just Buggin'

2011-05-01T16:59:00.000-04:00

That when the bug in the shower gets washed away with your shampoo and other suds, it emits a scream that only other bugs can hear as it enters the drain and then a sewer’s worth of bugs from all the pipes in all the homes and drains all over town start crawling back up toward your shower.

And, as you rinse the vestiges of soap from your body and squeeze the water from your golden locks, an entire battalion of creepy, crawly, icky, slimy and disgusting bugs emerge from the drain and immediately block your exit from the shower. You know in an instant that your moments are numbered as the millions of tiny feet grip your clean, glistening skin and crawl up your body to enter your soon-to-be corpse through your screaming mouth.

Manicure Mania

2011-02-12T14:24:00.000-05:00

That while you're getting your first manicure - a treat for your birthday or even Valentine's Day - you relax a little and let down your guard. Next thing you know, your hands that were so comfy and resting in a hot-wax bath are now zip-tied together and you're being ushered into a nondescript van. Also, a hood has been placed over your head.

When you finally come to a stop, you hear seagulls and waves. You're unceremoniously pushed into a metal box that you can identify as a shipping container once you pull off your hood (hands still restrained by zipties) and you bang on the wall to no avail.

When you finally land in Marseille, France, you are taken to a farmhouse in Provence where you're put to work picking grapes for Angelina and Brad Pitt. You don't die, but you are extremely miserable and don't have any hope of inheriting their fortune because unlike the other children they've purchased, your purpose was to work on their farm and not look cute during photo shoots.

Birden of Guilt

2010-12-26T09:01:00.000-05:00

That while watching the myriad birds dine on the feeder outside - filled by your wife or partner and not you, you lazy so and so - you stroke the cat on your lap (not a euphemism) and wonder at the birds' grace and skill. You neglect to watch the lap cat who has now started to get excited about the flying meals on the other side of the window and has poised itself to pounce.

Then, without warning (that you paid attention to) the claws come out and rip into your spleen and liver while the feline soars, ironically birdlike, across the room toward the window. You feel little pain as you bleed out on your new couch, but you do grin a little in the knowledge that the stupid cat sliced itself to ribbons crashing through the window. And you wonder if you and the cat will soon be reunited in some ethereal place on a comfortable couch with a laptop and a window with a birdfeeder on the other side.

Out of the Cordinary

2010-11-28T09:02:00.000-05:00

That when you grab the power adapter that keeps your Macbook juiced up, you feel a slight tingle that then turns into a blazing, shocking pain and renders you incapable of movement—shaking your body in what can only be described as a full-torso twitch and causing you to pee yourself.

As you shudder and fall to the floor you realize that one of the cats must have chewed the cable in a cry for attention, but only wasted one of their lives doing so. Ironically, they've pretty much extinguished yours in the same move. You last vision as your lids close on your soon-to-be corpse is of the two cats sitting by the door waiting to be let out. Your last laugh is that they'll have to feed on your body as nobody is left to look after them. Ha. Ha.

Tow Torture

2010-10-25T20:59:00.000-04:00

That while at a content strategy meeting at the Microsoft NERD center, you find that your car was towed from the front of the building. Then, when you find out where to go to get your car you realize that the weather has turned cold and that all your coats are in your car. You also realize that the tow company in the next town is closed and the taxis are all ignoring you and you might have to sleep on the street.

The last straw is the guy who comes up to you while you sob on the sidewalk and steals your laptop, your tweetup badge and your cell phone so you end up dying on the street in the cold and raw weather. Carless and sad and disheveled.

For the Want of a Nail

2010-08-20T09:53:00.001-04:00

That when you yank your towel off the back of the bathroom door, the peg it sits upon comes with it and plummets to the floor at light speed. The trajectory is such that it doesn't nestle in the soft mat, but instead wails upon the top of your big toe, cracking the nail and immediately causing stars of pain and vocal spurts of horror.

But the worst part isn't immediate. It's when, years later - after having had that nail surgically removed never to grow back - when you're hiking in the Virginia woods and you hear a rattlesnake. Extensive training has allowed you to possess the reflexes of that same snake that's about to strike. So you snap alert and cunningly avoid the venomous creature's first stab at you.

Unfortunately, your prior injury slows you down just a tiny bit and the next strike from the snake hits its mark, sinking fangs into your flesh and sending poison coursing through your veins. To add insult to injury - literally - the rattler bit went right through where your big toenail once resided. And had it been in place, the fangs would have likely glanced off harmlessly. This occurs to you as you slip into a coma and die, the result of a loose towel peg on the back of a bathroom door.

Oil Spill Horror

2010-08-03T10:26:00.000-04:00

That when reporting for #ioilspill you bend near the water trying to locate a tarball and suddenly are attacked simultaneously from three directions...from the water's surface by an alligator, from the shallows by a shark who's angry that it's currently #sharkweek on Discovery Channel, and from behind by a local rattler who is peeved that you've left footprints on his sugar-sand beach.

Needless to say, your last thoughts are about the gator, shark, rattler Po'boy you're going to order in heaven.

Fox Fear

2010-06-14T14:26:00.000-04:00

That even after speaking with the town wildlife management office about the minimal likelihood that a hungry mother fox will eat your cats, you collect one of your cats from under a bush in the neighbor's yard and while walking to the back deck you feel a sharp pain in your kidney area and turn to find that same fox latched onto your lower back with its sharp fangs. Subsequently, the cat freaks out and scratches half your face off and jumps to the porch while the fox rips a good-size portion of your flesh from your torso and scampers away. Leaving you to bleed and writhe on the lawn, cursing the local government and the entire populace of rabid foxes.

Catcher's Dilemma

2010-06-10T12:12:00.000-04:00

That while playing catcher in a baseball game, you are positioned behind the plate in an appropriate place to catch the ball, but the pitcher and the coach keep asking you to move forward so that sinkers and other breaking balls don't bounce in the dirt in front of you.

You comply after much berating and instantly feel the error of you decision as the batter swings wildly at the next pitch - but because you had inched forward, your head is actually on the same plane as the batter's bat and your eyeballs and a pile of snot are expelled from your skull with the force of the blow. And you collapse in a heap...your last thought, "I knew chess club was a safer choice."

Roof Deck Decimation

2010-04-28T11:34:00.002-04:00

That when the fine weather appears and you go to the roof deck of your apartment with a mint Julep to stroll among the patio furniture, you realize that your glee at the moderate temps was premature and in addition to being slammed brutally by blowing umbrellas and wrought-iron chairs, you notice the nesting badgers in the corner that are skulking ever closer to your tasty flesh. And when you turn to flee, your sundress or other previously appropriate garb catches on the edge of the roof and flings you like so much detritus to the deck two flights below. Just far enough to break a number of bones, but not far enough to deter the badgers from pouncing on your unprotected visage, claws first. Ouchie.

Tropical Travesty

2010-04-17T10:29:00.000-04:00

That the new bottle of shampoo in the shower is of the coconut variety that makes you dream of hula skirts and tropical beaches, but to your dismay - and much too late to do anything about it - you find out that the shampoo is really conditioner. And while slathering this substance all over your body you remember from early physics classes something about a coefficient of friction and stiffen as you feel your feet starting to slide across the floor of the shower.

Your reaction is anathema to what you should have done (curl up in a ball and wait for the water to rinse away the dastardly slickness) and stiff body and all you start to career around the shower stall like PopRocks in a glass of Coke. And speaking of glass, that's exactly where you find your unfortunate escape - through the glass door of the shower, sliced to ribbons and bleeding out on the cushy mat that ironically does a fantastic job of soaking up your O Positive and the conditioner that led to your demise.

Can You Hear Me Now - Electric Slide Version

2010-03-24T13:49:00.000-04:00

That while you ride your environmentally sound motor scooter around town the old folks and tree huggers in their modern semi-electric vehicles are chatting on their phone while sliding silently down the road. And, while you are minding your own business, these Prius-heads are so inured to the world around them - believing they are in a meadow or something - that they fail to hear you puttering along beside them. In fact, they are so against creating any noise pollution that they fail to even use their directional when they take over your lane, nearly crushing you to a pulp and causing you to worry that they might not even hear your cries for mercy as you become paste against the curb.

**Thankfully, the 130 decibel horn you had installed on your scooter jolted them back awake...BUT only after pressing it for five full continuous seconds.**

Mocking My Turtleneck

2010-02-06T15:14:00.000-05:00

That when a friend invites you to their office because they have a gift for you, and then they let it slip that the gift is a turtleneck, that when you arrive and put out your hands you feel a slimy tube of flesh that actually came off a formerly live turtle.

And as you yelp audibly and jump backward, you catch the heel of your shoe on the rug at their office and stumble into the hall, falling backward into the Poland Spring water dispenser causing the bottle to become unstable and subsequently drop onto your head.

Well, yes, you're knocked out. But when you come to the horror isn't over because during your collapse, the rubbery, slimy, icky turtleneck squirted into the air and came to rest in your mouth. And as you awake you feel the calimari-esque texture in your mouth as you scream for help and nothing comes out.

Dressing Room Puncture

2010-01-24T10:05:00.000-05:00

That while trying on eight-dollar jeans at the local thriftish store that starts with a K (Mart or Ohl's) you hop a bit and land on an errant pin that was left behind by someone shoplifting dress shirts. While one pin prick might be annoying and painful enough, the first stick makes you jump sky-high and you land with proportionate impact on another pin, then another and another and yet, another.

The resulting anguish and pain is so severe that you decide never to wear pants again and that decision limits your interaction with other humans to a bare (pun intended) minimum AND that in turn drives you mad, makes you get 57 cats and a house without windows (see pants-free description above) where you go slowly and inexorably insane.

Just because one person left a pin on a dressing-room floor.

Pancake Pyro

2010-01-18T11:13:00.000-05:00

That when you're preparing delicious pancakes for your late breakfast on a snowy winter's day, the PAM-brand spray used to keep the pancakes from sticking inadvertently reaches under the skillet and easily attracts some deadly flame from the burner. The resulting tower of flame and destruction is enough to sear your arms off at the shoulder socket and suck the eyebrows from your skull. It's also injury to insult that the delicious breakfast you had planned is now destined to be a snack that the Fire Department rescue dog enjoys as he paws over your melted corpse.

Theatrical Permanent Sabbatical

2010-01-01T12:44:00.000-05:00

That after you've watched the final showing of the final film in an old movie theater and get up to leave, your shoes get stuck to JuJuBe goop or some other concoction that's on the floor of the ancient building. And as you struggle to get free, the sticky mess causes you to tweak your ankle and you collapse to your knees. Then you realize that your feet, knees and shins are cemented to the ugly ooze and put your hands down to free yourself, but that doesn't work. The sugary death trap only behaves more like quicksand than a happy and tasty sucrose treat, and there you remain for weeks and months as spiders and other insects wrap you in webs and dust. You might stay alive by sucking on the leg of a movie theater seat, but then the wrecking ball comes and your frail visage is shattered and crushed like so many Hollywood dreams.

Scratching Pupil

2009-12-21T08:52:00.000-05:00

That while you snuggle with kittens at night (not a euphemism) they try to get comfy by stretching their little claw-laden paws all over the place and inadvertently spear one of your pupils. The subsequent screaming causes the cat to quickly draw away and sprint across the bed to the other room...but not before your entire eyeball pops out of your skull and tears free of the optic nerve. This travesty is made worse by the sudden loss of your depth perception, which in turn causes you to walk squarely into the side of the bedroom door breaking your nose and painfully bumping into the doorknob.

GutenBlog.net

2009-12-19T14:13:00.001-05:00

This post is being created over on GutenBlog and it's being ported to a number of my sites. The app has been created to give you one point of contact for your various online presences - saving time and effort when trying to get multiple postings up.

I'm just evaluating the Alpha right now and can't say it works yet because I'm just typing this in the dashboard and haven't hit send yet. I guess we'll all learn together how well it works in a minute when I publish it.

Shall we try?

PRESSING PUBLISH NOW!!!

*OK, not pressing it yet. Wanted to remind people - just in case this doesn't work - that I'm just a tester at this point and any concerns about Guten Blog should be sent to their staff.

**Also, on a totally separate note, if you're looking for a way to get your link out in the world of new media, Twitter, etc. Gimme a shout. As of November 1, 2009, my photo site - wwjce (what would Jeff Cutler eat?) has been accepting sponsorship. Few of my other sites do so, but wwjce is widely read and has achieved critical acclaim.

Posted with GutenBlog.net.

Micey Dicey

2009-11-15T11:58:00.001-05:00

That the scratching and scurrying you hear in the walls is from field mice who have decided to share your home during the colder months - and what's worse, they also want to share your food during that time too. But because you've been so good at securing the food in the pantry and the kitchen, the mice only have one option and that's to nibble on your fingers, toes, nose and eyeballs whilst you sleep, causing you significant discomfort and disfigurement until spring...and perhaps longer.

Shingling in my Boots

2009-11-02T13:26:00.000-05:00

That when you take a potshot with your pellet gun at a woodpecker, the pellet will ricochet off the house where the pecker is pecking and smash a window, flatten a car tire, poke out the eye of a child riding a big wheel in the street, kill a domesticated pig and finally lodge in your nostril causing you to breathe with a whistle for the rest of your life. And that the woodpecker will get away and turn your house into a pile of firewood.

Porcelain Privacy

2009-10-20T20:28:00.000-04:00

That when you step into the bathroom your phone, house or cell or even VOIP/Vonage, rings off the hook. It happens persistently, leading you to believe that the new electronics in the home - your computer, flatscreen TV, air conditioner, electric toothbrush - all have tiny pinhole cameras in them that have effectively turned your life into the Toilet Truman Show. Remember to wash your hands.

Caffeine Extreme

2009-10-14T23:36:00.001-04:00

That after you return home from a coffee cupping and coffee-themed tasting menu courtesy of a nationally recognized brand of coffee, you might never sleep again because the combination of rich coffee-infused food and coffee cuppings conspire to make you alert and attentive for the next 47 years.

Namebadge Badness

2009-10-08T10:43:00.002-04:00

That shortly after you pick up your ditty bag and name badge at the registration desk at a conference, you put down your bag to adjust your lanyard and feel yourself slipping. In your quest to maintain your balance you reach out to grab the back of a nearby chair - but you catch your fingers in the lanyard that is now around your neck.

While you dexterously move your fingers out of the lanyard without snapping each and every one, you still manage to slice your wrist open on the crazy sharp plastic of the badge holder. Then, you gush blood all over vendors and other attendees who proceed to shun you and your message for the rest of the event. Even as your precious life ebbs away on the luxuriously carpeted floor of the convention center.

"Cord"inated Attack

2009-10-06T08:21:00.002-04:00

That after toasting some tasty waffles, you move the toaster aside but neglect to see that the cord to your computer is nestled up against the hot appliance. Then, while you write informative blog posts, stimulating columns and random tweets, you find that just touching the keys seems to make your fingertips tingle. But beyond that, there are a few sparks flying and by attributing this to the typing speed and power of your words - neglecting to realize that said laptop is engulfed in flame and an electrical fire has now taken your hands off at the wrists.

Smudgetastrophy of the Heart

2009-09-16T11:18:00.003-04:00

That during a high-school track meet you meet the girl of your dreams on a competing team. Even with your months of training, just talking to her takes your breath away. While chatting together near the scorer's table she impulsively writes her phone number and email on your palm and then runs off to join her team.

You're elated. So much so that you high-five all your sweaty teammates and clap your hands in glee. The track meet ends and you wave to her bus as they drive off. Then you look at your hand in horror. The slapping, clapping and sweat have conspired to smudge out her information and you're immediately turned into a forlorn and broken boy.

COPS Swap

2009-09-12T20:13:00.002-04:00

That for some reason - and beyond all comprehension - one night I'll wake up in the television as one of the 'actors' on the FOX show COPS. This unreal switch might seem like magic or a dream, but it quickly turns into a nightmare when I'm shown as one of the fatties who gets tackled, smashed into, punched and tazed by the police. Whatcha gonna do?

Bee Very Careful

2009-09-07T13:50:00.002-04:00

That when sipping tea at the local coffee shoppe, you kick at a wasp that has wandered near your table and put your foot through the 9-foot vertical picture window. Then, as you struggle to get out of your chair, you notice that the guillotine-like shard of glass is about slice off your leg. But worse, the wasp had friends who just escaped the nest beside the window and are heck-bent on stinging you to death.

Paper Misplay

2009-08-28T09:55:00.003-04:00

That when you stroll quickly into a stall at a fancy hotel to relieve your innards, that the roll of toilet paper on the spindle gets bumped as you reach to paper your posterior. Then this same roll squirts across the floor and far away from your perch. THEN, the hotel experiences a power outage and possibly even a municipal disaster - locking you in the stall, with your pants down, in a deserted hotel. Paperless and powerless.

Toe-tal Pain

2009-07-20T06:21:00.002-04:00

That when you pull on a new sock the loose threads inside this mini garment tube will snack on your unkempt toenail and dramatically rip the appendage sideways, effectively shattering the tiny bone and turning you into a carnival freak for eternity (if there are any carnivals that would charge to see the mangled toe man).

Cat Tail Travesty

2009-07-12T09:38:00.003-04:00

That while you watch the Tour de France on TV, you remain inside because of the constant rain. And while you watch you decide to increase your fitness by riding your bike trainer indoors. And while you ride your trainer, the cats you have raised from kittens decide to dash into the moving rear wheel.

Then, the shredded cat flesh and bones shoot upward at the speed of light and puncture your spine - rendering you paralyzed and unable to phone for help or even 'boop' 'boop' 'boop' through the commercials.

Neighbors find your decaying body among the cat detritus well after the TDF winner has been crowned.

Traffic Light Demolition

2009-06-21T15:24:00.003-04:00

That when you're driving down the road on a particularly windy day, the traffic light at an intersection snaps loose from the supporting cables and rockets Earthward just as you are rolling serenely beneath it.

The resulting carnage - because you're probably on a scooter or in a gas-efficient tiny SmartCar - is an unrecognizable mess of metal and blood. All intermingled with the fancy yellow paint from the side of the traffic light.

Tweeting Cliffhanger

2009-05-20T20:06:00.004-04:00

That when you're writing and tweeting on the iPhone application for Tweetworks, you find a group that's all about people who walk and tweet at the same time. Unfortunately, this discovery coincides with your visit to the Grand Canyon and you become so engrossed in social media tools and items created by Mike Langford that you stroll unawares through the warning signs and over the cabling that guards the edge and plummet to the Colorado River below.

Cat-Eye Cause for Alarm

2009-05-10T10:03:00.002-04:00

That whilst you sleep, in a home newly populated by kittens (2), the scratching and rambunctious behavior of these kittens will draw them to your bedroom where they will dance around and on your body moving upward toward your mouth and face. Then, without provocation - because cats are evil - they will each pluck an eyeball from your head and run from the room meowing.

Wing Ding

2009-02-05T09:30:00.002-05:00

That when the pilot on the plane says they're just waiting for the mechanical crew to look at a slight issue with the wing, you might find yourself at 30,000 feet watching that same wing float gently away from the body of the plane causing you to plummet to a not-so-soft collision with the earth.

Threshold Black Hole

2009-01-11T00:02:00.002-05:00

That while walking back to your hotel room you fumble your key and it bounces once on the rug and then darts under the door to another room in the hall.

Further, that when you dive for the bouncing card you bump your head and can't remember which door your key went under, what room you're supposed to be in, or what you're even doing in Arkansas wearing a swimsuit in the middle of March.

Skin-Ripping Scenario

2008-12-21T17:52:00.003-05:00

That when you're done clearing off your car in the frigid depths of winter, you'll reach for the house door handle - metal - and your wet skin will attach itself to said metal door handle. Being frightened by the sensation, you'll jump backward pulling the door with you. The weight of your body and the leverage of your falling torso will yank the door from the hinges. With hand still stuck to the handle, you'll slice yourself open from nose to nether regions and bleed to death on the pristine winter wonderland that is your front yard.

Cord Crippler

2008-12-09T16:48:00.002-05:00

That when bringing an old computer monitor to the dump or recycling spot, the cord will protest and wrap itself around your ankles tripping you and tossing you headlong down the granite steps outside your home. In an effort to break your fall you'll let go of the monitor and - similar to the motorcycle daredevil who abandons his cycle only to crash into it seconds later - you'll slice your arms to ribbons when you thrust your arms into the screen. The whole debacle will continue until you and the monitor, entangled in death, roll slowly to the curb where the trash guy will toss you both into the crusher.

Futon Fear

2008-10-19T20:20:00.002-04:00

That when you've set the futon up as a bed you'll likely roll too close to the side while watching TV and suddenly the allen bolts holding the whole contraption together will let go and pitch you headlong onto the floor.

Then, the rest of the wooden deathtrap will pummel you causing splinters and unimaginable pain right before the freakishly heavy mattress smothers you.

The worst part is that someone will have to find you this way, negating the possibility of an open casket because you'll have some ugly flower or herringbone print mashed into your previously gorgeous visage.

Fly of Fancy

2008-09-12T10:46:00.002-04:00

That when you're sipping on your coffee or tea, a black speck catches your attention for a moment. This black speck turns out to be a fly that is buzzing about the room beginning to focus on your cup. Then, when you turn away for an instant, the fly vanishes from sight. You sip nonchalantly and then realize that the moving, pea-size mass in your mouth was recently fluttering about the room.

*Thanks for this concept to Nicholas Butler - Loudmouthman

Off the bridge, into the drink

2008-07-14T09:52:00.002-04:00

That windy road conditions will blow you into the ocean and even though the hundred-foot fall doesn't kill you, you'll be stunned enough that a jellyfish will be able to cover your face and suffocate you to death.

Lakeside Animosity

2008-06-14T09:21:00.003-04:00

That while traipsing along a lakeside on a carefree nature walk, the turles on the logs, the mountain lions in the woods, the deer, the snakes, the spiders and other assorted creatures won't be deterred by the loud stomping of your feet and will coordinate a careful picking clean of your bones after they attack and destroy you.

Betting on Bed Badness

2008-06-01T18:29:00.002-04:00

That as you slow for a stoplight or pedestrian or dog or any other road hazard, the $1000 bed frame you just purchased at IKEA and strapped to the top of your tiny car will rocket forward like...well, like a rocket, and splinter into a billion pieces.

Then, as you roll slowly forward, your tires will all get punctured by the hazardous fiberboard and the car will sink down on its haunches.

THEN, an 18-wheeler will barrel along down the road and won't see your tiny car because it has dropped to its knees and is sitting like a speed bump in the path of the monstrous vehicle.

Finally, you'll get crushed into the pavement by the truck and come to your final resting place - ironically - among the detritus that once was your new bed.

Mighty Meteor

2008-05-27T21:15:00.001-04:00

That when you least expect it, you'll have a mammoth or dinosaur moment and be obliterated by an asteroid or meteor. To counteract this I suggest building a bunker in the back yard with tunnels from your home or apartment.

Uncomfortable Recumbent

2008-05-07T06:57:00.002-04:00

That when you're riding a regularly designed bicycle a rider on a recumbent bike will sneak up on your right side without announcing himself (or herself). While the rider is hiding in your blind spot - back and to the right - you'll drift to the right and suddenly tumble onto the rider and his freakish bike causing a limb-ripping and life-altering crash that will mangle you and your bike horribly.

Slotter Slaughter

2008-04-06T21:12:00.002-04:00

That when you go play the slot machines in either Vegas, CT or RI, the new slot where you feed in money will grab your tie or handkerchief and strangle you unceremoniously. Which also leads me to wonder why anyone would have a ceremony for a strangling or any such event.

Cushy Comfy Icky Towel

2008-01-16T15:41:00.000-05:00

That when you grab the luxurious towel off the edge of the sink to dry your dripping body, a spider will have nestled into the folds. Then, as you scrub the water from your face the spider will dash into your mouth and down your throat.

Deadly Milk Dud

2007-11-01T13:17:00.000-04:00

That while gobbling the remains of your Halloween candy, you'll toss a Milk Dud into your gullet too fast and block your airway. Then, when you collapse and die, you'll pull the bedpan in which you store the candy down on top of you causing a big gash in your head.

THEN, when somebody finds you they'll open an investigation into your murder because they don't understand how the gash and the crash and the death came about.

Ultimately, your estate will remain unsettled for centuries as the authorities investigate the crime.

PastWords

2007-10-10T10:40:00.001-04:00

With Gather and Facebook and Twitter and Helium and multiple blogs and LinkedIn and other social networking places everywhere, what happens if you bump your head getting out of the shower or into bed or into the car or while at a store and then suddenly can't remember your passwords? Do you disappear entirely or worse yet, do you have to go back to using pen and paper?

Coke Bottle Glasses

2007-10-10T10:39:00.000-04:00

When you're doing your food shopping, remain acutely aware that at any moment a cap from a bottle of soda could rocket off of the bottle and knock out your eye.

Spider eyes

2007-10-07T10:33:00.000-04:00

If you're not complete careful with how you adjust your mosquito netting at night, you might find dozens of spiders nesting in your eyes and eyelashes.

Don't be chicken

2007-09-30T10:32:00.000-04:00

Each time you crack open an egg for breakfast, keep an eye open and a tiny net ready in case a whole, live baby chick emerges instead of the tasty yolk and white.

'lectric Lagoon

2007-09-30T10:31:00.000-04:00

If you have electric locks, windows and other accessories in your car, take extra precautions when traveling near water. As scientists will point out, water can cause a short in electrical systems. Be even more vigilant if you're near a body of water like a pond or lake. For you could veer into that larger body of water when adjusting the radio or looking at yourself in the rearview mirror and then sink like a stone to the bottom when you can't open the doors or windows in a timely manner.

Louie Loogie part deux

2007-09-30T10:27:00.000-04:00

The cleaning staff at most corporate businesses clearly resent the people who work there during the day. So, if you're prone to leaving snacks or drinks on your desk, be careful. On too many occasions to count, people have spoken of finding a snot rocket or loogie floating in their soda bottle when they report to work. Now you know to lock up your snacks unless you like to chew on a loogie.

Ink a dink a DON'T

2007-09-30T10:04:00.000-04:00

Pens are exploding all over the world every moment. Therefore, you should never put a pen in the pocket of your pants or shirt - or any garment - unless that piece of clothing is water and ink proof. The real thing to worry about is if you get an itch inside your nose after you've got a hand covered with ink. Then you could be putting permanent ink right on your face. And that could close up pores that might cause pimples that could then get infected and turn into that flesh eating staph infection. Ultimately, you could lose your head over an exploding pen. Be careful.

Speed Demons

2007-09-11T14:13:00.000-04:00

If you make a mistake when purchasing new tires, you might screw up your driving record. Not directly. But if the tires you buy are larger than your original equipment then your speedometer will read lower than your actual speed. That means you'll often be driving faster than you think you're driving and get more tickets and subsequently lose your license and become destitute because you won't be able to get to work.

Spare a Square

2007-09-11T14:12:00.001-04:00

In public restrooms, if you're not careful, stealthy bandits can snatch your wallet from your pants pocket as you sit on the throne. Women also have to be aware that a purse snatcher can snag their purse right from the floor next to their feet.

Wile E-mergency

2007-09-11T14:10:00.000-04:00

Wile E. Coyote popularized the inertia-based catastrosphe, but it's not all fun and games. If you're driving along with anything heavy in your trunk or backseat and have to jam on the brakes to avoid a crash, the items in the back will scream forward through the flimsy upholstery and pulverize your body from behind.

Sweet Death

2007-09-11T14:04:00.000-04:00

The common, appropriately named candy jawbreaker could easily break your jaw.

Fan-tragic

2007-09-11T14:03:00.000-04:00

As it gets warmer, people are inclined to use their ceiling fans more regularly. Unfortunately, if you watch the way a fan wobbles slightly at full speed, you can realize that it's not a stable device. And, if a common housefly bumped one of the blades ever so slightly, your decorative fan would quickly spin toward the floor cutting anything in its path to ribbons.

Boomerang Food

2007-09-11T14:02:00.000-04:00

You're better off eating your poorly prepared dish at a restaurant than sending your bad food away and subsequently getting a meal that is warmed up and has a fresh loogie in it.

Wheel Dangerous

2007-09-11T14:00:00.000-04:00

The front fork on many bikes can be made of a material like magnesium or aluminum that fails instantly after a 'lifetime' of use. This means that you could pull up on the handlebars to clear an obstacle and then find yourself riding without a front wheel and destined for a hard, probably fatal landing.

Just Foul

2007-09-11T13:59:00.000-04:00

Spectating at a baseball game requires vigilance and constant awareness. If you let your guard down for an instant, you could find a rawhide sphere embedded in your skull. The worst part is that a baseball knows no courteous way to bound and will careen off railings and seats just to embarrass you in front of 37,000 people before it takes your life.

Airbag Alarmist

2007-09-11T13:58:00.000-04:00

While reaching across the front seat to place your briefcase or other object on the passenger seat, be aware that your cell phone, metal belt buckle, eye glasses or pacemaker could send a signal to the airbag and cause it to inflate. This would cause horrific damage to your ribs and probably kill you.

It's also a danger to have a passenger put their feet on the dash, as the airbag might go off for no reason and instantly snap them in two at the waist and propel them into the back seat.

Red Eye Reduction

2007-08-26T15:03:00.000-04:00

That when trying to color your hair blond, a bit of the bleaching agent will get in your eye and immediately destroy your vision—causing at once two problems...that you won't be able to balance in the shower and will likely fall through the glass door and cut yourself to ribbons; AND that you won't be able see if your new outstanding color choice looks good because only half your head will be visible.

A Snaking Suspicion

2007-08-26T14:49:00.000-04:00

That when you find yourself foraging for your golf ball in the thick underbrush, a snake will mistake your ankle for a tasty rodent and attach its fangs to your leg just above the Achilles so you topple sideways into poison ivy, poison oak and a deceptive puddle of quicksand.

Meaty Err

2007-08-13T14:48:00.000-04:00

That while reclined in a plastic patio chair watching the Perseid Meteor showers at 1AM, a coyote will wander up the back stairs to your deck and bite you in the head.

Clipped In-cident

2007-07-05T08:50:00.001-04:00

That while riding along on your bike behind a parade, the parade participants will stop suddenly (as parades are wont to do) and you will slam on your bike's brakes successfully bringing your cycle to complete stop — but in that millisecond that you remain upright, you will realize that your feet are still clipped into the pedals and while your life flashes before your eyes you will tilt sideways and then, at increasing speed, crash sideways into the earth.

Air Critter-ditioner

2007-07-02T12:15:00.000-04:00

That the air conditioner that you left in the basement or on the porch all winter is now home to funnel-web spiders and brown recluse spiders and all manner of killing insects and that the device will spray these critters all over you while you rest in your cool bedroom unaware of the danger.

Code for Technorati

2007-06-29T22:58:00.001-04:00

Technorati Profile

Toilet Treachery

2007-06-29T22:29:00.001-04:00

That your legs will fall asleep so badly on the toilet that you'll try to stand up and fail miserably, tumbling either headlong into the granite sink and dying from a head wound or flipping majestically into the tub and drowning from the constantly dripping faucet.

Bad Carma

2007-06-29T22:28:00.000-04:00

That while fixing your car and leaning over the engine, that your tie or other loose clothing will get caught in the engine and pull you to a horribly mangle-ful death.

Bee-n There, Feared That

2007-06-29T22:27:00.000-04:00

That the bees buzzing peacefully around your yard during a cook-out will land in your beer, get angry, then sting inside your mouth when you take a swig.